Last night, after the Young Urban Zen meeting, one of my recent benefactors offered me another card, which offered kind words of support and encouragement. This person wrote of my 'greater intention of inviting everyone in, to share with others what has brought you great joy'. Noticing my response to what was written - happiness, relief, feeling energised - I wondered how much of it was just from having my ego being patted. My ego has certainly felt in need of such succour recently - and it has received it plentifully from many people. But I don't think that is the whole story here. I have a mental picture of my ego struggling to find satisfaction in external things of late, such as spending time online trying to find something entertaining that would somehow be satisfying, knowing all the while that these are just dead ends. But the things in the past month which have been the most rewarding and fulfilling - the Young Urban Zen group, performing the wedding - have been occasions of just being present with people, where my ego isn't the driving force. It's me, but it's not really me, like I am turned inside out, just trying to recycle the joy I have got from practice for others. It can feel a little strange to think about it, and awkward to express, but since I keep connecting to that intention, and if others tell me it is of benefit, then I have the confidence and energy to keep doing it, and trust that the circle of gifts will continue.
A cursory search through old posts throws up this one on a similar topic, and coming from a similar place of suffering. Plus รงa change...
City Hall lights up the fog last night |
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