Naturally it acts as a mirror, and I wonder how I am doing with my vows right now. It has been a rich week in many ways. I noticed that I did almost the full selection of zendo jobs in afternoon zazen this week: kokyo, fukudo, doan and doshi, and it was only in the last that I felt dissatisfied - my chanting and energy didn't flow in the way I usually expect them to. I have been watching the unfolding of the tensions in my mind between worldly desires and monastic desires, the personal and the beyond-personal, and feeling how that also plays out in my body. I have been trying to settle more firmly on my cushion to deal with the physical imbalances that have been troubling me these last few weeks. I have caught up with long-procrastinated tasks - going to sewing class on Thursday night to make repairs to my okesa that I have been needing to do for months, and putting my oryoki set back together after a few weeks of gathering dust, which felt good. I have taken care of most of the things that needed taking care of. I also have been out several times for ice cream and coffee with friends, not to mention the ball-game, and enjoyed the sociability. There is more to come this weekend with the residents' retreat, though I will book-end this with hours on the bike alone with my thoughts riding to and from Point Reyes.
On balance, it feels like I am holding back more than I am giving, and in that is the rub of unease that we call dukkha.
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| The moon rising over the city last night |
6 comments:
You bring up some interesting points Shundo. Being the introverted type myself, one of the things I appreciated about being Kokyo was that it showed me (and everyone else in the room) exactly where I was at. There were days when my voice was strong and other days when I didn't know how I was going to get through it - its a very naked feeling for an introvert. It took me a while to accept that my energy had an ebb and flow and I had to try to not change that and just be where I was and who I was. It was still hard not to judge myself. So,take it from me, it's OK that you were a bit off last week....!!
The question your post brings up for me is how do you balance the time you need to take care of yourself (like going on solitary bike rides) and making yourself available to others? It seems like a lot of your recent social activity wasn't being self indulgent but making yourself available and being part of the community. I'm not sure where the holding back came in - seems like you were giving in ways you may not have realized. There is a trap in always trying to be a Bodhisattva as you can't always give to others, you need to also be a Bodhisattva to oneself.
One of the tasks I've been procrastinating is registering so I'm not always Anonymous...
Shonen
Hi Shonen, Thank you for your very thoughtful comment. The day I was kokyo I was pretty happy with how it went, but it felt different when I was doshi. You also remind me of something I heard Daigaku say - don't try to be more compassionate than you are. The scales of judgement are very subtle, and mostly I felt like it was a good week, but after watching the film I felt there was another yardstick being offered.
By the way, in terms of not being anonymous, I think if you click the third button below, 'Name/URL', this gives you the option of being yourself without having to register.
Oh I like that from Daigaku! I guess being inspired by something (like the film) gives us a frame of reference to see if there is room for improvement (which there generally is). It's tricky as ego can make us shy away from the challenge but also push us too far.
Thanks for the posting tip.
"'Name/URL', this gives you the option of being yourself without having to register."
If only it were so easy - I'm still trying to figure out how to be myself...
No matter how hard you try, Shonen, you cannot fail to be yourself.
* gassho *
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