Going Public

Abbot Steve came to work meeting yesterday morning and announced the changes in the Zen Center officer positions that had been ratified by the board the day before; unfortunately a new secretary has not yet been selected to replace Valorie, who has been patiently waiting to take over from me as ino. He followed this by asking if everyone knew that I was going to be the next shuso at Tassajara, for the fall practice period. Nobody did, mainly because the decision was only made at the weekend - which is what I was alluding to in my post after sesshin - so I was subsequently showered with congratulations.
It is a wonderful honour to be asked to be shuso. I had requested previously to have the chance to do it at Tassajara, and there had been a few conversations about how and when this was going to happen. Now that it is closer than expected, I feel very excited to have this opportunity, and to be able to study and practise down there again.

Diverse Notes From Sesshin

When I was at Tassajara, I tried to avoid reading the menus that were posted; I liked the meals to be a surprise - either a pleasant one, or if it was something I didn't like, I wouldn't get to work up a head of steam about it ahead of time. Sometimes, sitting in the zendo wondering what was going to be in the next pot, I would hear the distinctive shoveling sound of nuts being served, and in time learnt to tell the difference between the sound of pistachios resonating in a bowl and the sound of cashews.
This morning, for the last zendo meal of sesshin, the four sesshin leaders and their attendants formed the serving crew. There was something about the way Blanche let the almonds come off her spoon into my third bowl that you could only appreciate if you have served a lot of oryoki. It was done very carefully to make the least amount of noise possible.

Before I went into sesshin, a friend said that it was great that I would have a chance to go deep inside for a week. I had to let her know that although I might get a few quiet moments while sitting, as ino there would always be something that I had to ensure was being done, a note for me to respond to, someone to replace in a job because they were sick, a ceremony to organise, or some of the other work that I am somehow expected to keep on top of.
But I had some quiet moments on day five, when I had stopped feeling quite so tired. I also had moments of feeling wide open, between moments of feeling nothing but tension. The last two days were more busy, setting things in place not just for the shuso ceremony, but also a rakusu receiving ceremony last night and a memorial for this morning.
For some reason I had the idea that it would be most intimate for Konin to receive her shuso rakusu in the zendo, and Shosan liked the idea as well, so we arranged for that to happen, and it had the feeling I hoped it would, that we had just turned around from our sitting to participate together in this ceremony.
This afternoon was a little more grand an occasion, but I found I had a lot of energy this morning, and while there were some changes to the previously worked-out plans, everything happened in good time to be met and responded to, and I enjoyed taking care of the details.

Overall I thought the schedule was lovely, about the same amount of sitting as the Genzo-e, which made for minimal pain as far as I was concerned. When I first saw the schedule, I saw all the optional zazen periods, and the diligent student in me thought I would have to be at all of them, before I realised that they were the time when I would take care of most of my work, so that I could be at all the regular periods, which I pretty much managed.
There was a different feeling to it, and not just waking up without the feeling of my body having been through the wringer as often happens in sesshin; with work spread around the day, there was a different energy in the building to the usual focused work period in the afternoon; most importantly, of course, there was a quietness and concentration in the zendo.

At one moment, having gone from tightness to spaciousness somehow, I thought: in spite of ourselves, something is revealed. For my question to the shuso, I asked her what she thought that something was, and I'm embarrassed to say that I can't remember a word of her answer, but I know we met at that moment, and that was enough. As she fielded questions from the room, Konin seemed to both be floating on the platform and fully grounded on it, but was of course, just being herself, and expressing her deep practice.

Now I know she is not a big fan of having her photo taken, so I will keep these to a minimum, but I thought these two were presentable enough.

Shosan reads her statement to Konin at the culmination of the ceremony

Shosan Konin and Blanche posed under the wisteria

Enter The Shuso, Enter The Dragon

So now I am starting on my third round of annual events, beginning with the shuso entering ceremony this morning. There was a full zendo for this, and all the senior people came back down from dokusan and practice discussion during the short service beforehand, so we had a real brown robe log-jam at the doshi door. There were also a few more bows in the ceremony as Konin paid her respects to the two abbots, as well as Blanche and Vicki as the practice period leaders. The exhange between her and Vicki was less scripted than usual, and thus very alive and quite funny.
As with Liping and Lien, Konin is someone I have practised with over the years, though I am not sure I have been at Tassajara when she has been there, since she spent some time in Japan. She brought back with her the kind of lightness of presence that is noticeable in others who have trained there, especially with Sekkei Harada Roshi it seems. I think of her as a true monk, even though she spent many years in the marketplace raising her daughter, and am glad to have her here embodying the practice.
At breakfast the discussion was divided between reflections on the ceremony and looking ahead to tonight's dinner: Lucy and friends have been busy in the kitchen these past few days preparing a Chinese New Year feast. I know we are already into the lunar new year, but this will be our main marker for it here.
In Chinese astrological terms, I was born a dragon, and as arbitrary as it is to slice life in this way, each subsequent year of the dragon has been notable for me: first as the sunniest and most enjoyable summer of my childhood, next as my first full year working in London after leaving college, and then as the year I moved to San Francisco to get married and to take up this practice. I have spoken of my hopes for 2012, and while it has not got off to an entirely auspicious start, I still have big ideas about the next few months...

Fog still burning off after breakfast

Ascending The Mountain

One thing that I had been thinking about the Mountain Seat Ceremony is that it was probably going to be my last big hurrah as ino, but it seems that the new plan is for me to stay on until September. After that, depending on whether there is something compelling to keep me in the city or not, I might be heading back to Tassajara.
Either way, the ceremony is going to take up a big chunk of thinking between now and February - not least because apart from the New Year extravaganza, there isn't a lot on right now, which feels very nice compared to recent times.
Naturally, as a diligent ino, not having been in attendance at one of these before (I was at Tassajara in 2003 and 2007, the last two times it has been performed), I have been consulting the files and also checking out the Gyoji Kihan. My conclusions from having done this are that we cleave pretty close to the Japanese forms on this occasion, which is perhaps not so surprising: since Suzuki Roshi handed over to Richard Baker in 1971, we haven't done the ceremony so many times, and Hoitsu Suzuki Roshi has, I think, always been on hand to guide us on the forms.
As ino I will get to have a lot of fun in the ceremony, not least leading the new Abbess on a jundo around the zendo and then doing prostrations to her. One part I will not be attending is the Inspection of the Seal, which will take place in the dokusan room. Here, I imagine the version we do will differ somewhat from the Japanese. This is from the Gyoji Kihan:

"Next, three people (senior people like the president for sure)... advance before table, burn incense, withdraw, and do 'spreading cloth twice, paying respects thrice' (a formal way to do prostrations)... At first when they have spread sitting cloths and are about to make prostration... new abbot expresses his/her opinion that they need not engage in such politeness. Thus, they immediately fold up their sitting cloths and speak the following words:

We merely wish to thave the honor of paying our respects to the abbot's dharma seat. We are distraught at having our praises rebuffed.

Next, they again spread sitting cloths and go to make prostrations... and new abbot again indicates that they do not need to go to the trouble. Thus, they immediately fold up their sitting cloths and, when finished, speak the following words:

With deferential consideration, we respectfully inquire of the Most Reverend Newly Appointed Abbot's well-being, and pray that he/she has every good fortune".

None of the versions I have of our Mountain Seat detail what is actually going to be said during this exchange, but these very Japanese phrases put me in mind of the words in the Shuso Entering Ceremony, which the Gyoji Kihan renders thus:

"Head seat (shuso) spreads cloth twice in paying respects thrice to the abbot. Upon first spread of sitting cloth, intones following words:

I am a newly ordained monk who has just entered the monastery. I am uncultivated in all the procedures. It must be by mistake that I have received your reverence's commission. An ordinary person with no responsibilities like me is intimidated in the extreme.

Next, makes second spread of cloth and says:

The weather these days is very warm. With deferential consideration for you, reverend abbot, I respectfuly inquire whether everything is going well.

Head seat makes three abbreviated prostrations; abbot also makes one prostration in reply".

Here is how we have rendered it a little more western in our version:

"Shuso says, in gassho:

I have received Buddha’s Precepts and have entered this temple, and I am deeply grateful for your teaching. But I am not yet ready to be shuso.

Shuso tries to turn away three times but is stopped by gesture from teacher each time.
At conclusion of turning away, shuso, hands in shashu, faces teacher and says:

These are beautiful days. May your good health continue. Please let me help you to continue the practice in this temple.

Teacher says:

Yes, please help me. This monastic shares our seat and our responsibility. Please give her your support".

The Benji Poem

Friends and family continue to leave moving comments on the various posts from the last few days, and I encourage everyone to read them. I am happy to be able to offer this as a forum for people to express themselves, and today I would like to share this - the benji poem that we referred to on Friday, which was passed on to me. As a bit of context for those not familiar with the set-up, the benji is the attendant - I think side-kick might sum it up best in David's case - to the shuso, the head monk for a practice period. They work together, cleaning toilets, at Tassajara taking care of the trash, recycling and compost, and perform ceremonies together. The shuso meets every student for tea, one by one usually, and the benji prepares the tea and bakes the cookies or other treats - Ren was commenting on the beauty of David's tea arrangements a day or so ago. At the end of the practice period, the shuso ceremony is the chance for the shuso to meet every student's question with dharma words. It is always a special occasion, and the benji pretty much kicks off the proceedings with the poem, which are designed to encapsulate the intimacy of the preceding months.

Ren the shuso - and photographer - and David the benji after the shuso ceremony

What I Did During My Sesshin

I shocked a couple of new residents at the post Shuso Ceremony dinner by telling them I had had a good sesshin - I didn't run out of chocolate. You ate chocolate? The ino broke the shingi? Well that's the way it is.
I don't really approve of taking photographs during sesshin, though I do that quite often as well. For all that sesshin mind tends to being to the fore the kind of attentiveness to detail that a photographer is always aiming for, it also seems like discursive mind in action - oh, that would make a good picture, must capture that, when I would prefer to be saying, oh, that's beautiful, and then let it go. That said, I did take some photos during sesshin, of the view out of my window as the days went by. Any resemblance to my states of mind may or may not be co-incidental.

Day one - morning

Day one - evening

Day two - evening

Day three - evening

Day four - morning

Day five - morning

Day six - morning

Day six - end of day

Day seven - morning

Day seven - evening

As you can see, and as locals will attest, it got pretty nice and sunny in the middle, and warmed up somewhat. I would have happily taken last week's wet weather this week, and had this heat next week when I will get some time off, but it doesn't always work like that, does it?

Then there is this self-portrait I took on the only morning I went back to my room during soji:

Disclaimer: this is not really me and it was not really like this.

The ceremony with Lien was as a Shuso Ceremony should be, fully open-hearted. I hadn't taken my camera into the Buddha Hall as I wanted to be properly ceremonial, but then after we got underway, Blanche leaned over to me and said, someone has to take the picture of the shuso receiving the staff, or she can't be officially registered (with the Sotoshu, who keep records of this kind of thing). So I nipped out to get my camera, which I had nearby for the post-ceremony pictures. On first glance through, though, this is the one I like the most - Lien getting a hug from Vicki right after the ceremony:

I expect I will write more about sesshin soon, but I am feeling ready for bed, and I have to be at Green Gulch early in the morning.

Taking Care Of Business

I have heard it said that the job of the shuso is to be the friend of everyone in the practice period. One of the ways that Lien is definitely accomplishing this is by making coffee in the morning - and not just one pot, either. She makes both pots of regular and a pot of decaf, all before four thirty in the morning, by all accounts (I am not around to verify this, but I have been told it is so). No wonder that she was given a milk frother during skit night, ostensibly for her heroics in the shuso jundo olympics, but mainly as a recognition that she was performing valuable Bodhisattva activity at such an unearthly hour. I understand that said frother is now being deployed in the early morning coffee round, which means we are one step closer to having the espresso bar in the building that many of us have long been agitating for - along with the hot tub on the roof. Then there will obviously be no further obstacles on the path to enlightenment.
For people in the building, it is not just the coffee that we appreciate, but also the little notes that Lien got into the habit of leaving on the pots, so much so that when she stopped writing them, she had requests to please continue. Each day a different gem, written on white masking tape, divided into three such as 'every day / is a / good day', 'where / is / buddha?', or my recent favourite, 'raindrops / & / roses'. Such are the little rituals which, as I have observed before, illuminate our practice life together.

Letting Our Hair Down

It is probably a given in sociological circles that laughing in the company of your friends is a beneficially bonding activity. This makes skit night a valuable event in the community, and last night was a great example of this (note for the English  - a skit is what we call a sketch, of the comedy variety). I had already had the opportunity to make people laugh during my way-seeking mind talk, which, happily, they did, and mostly where I intended there to be laughs.
Another joy of skit night is to get a different view of the people you usually see in formal surroundings, and to see how people can inhabit different roles. Lien was particularly game to show her funny side last night: she and I and David Z and Anna did a skit about a form addicts' recovery meeting, and she also starred in the hilarious 'shuso jundo olympics' (most skit night humour does not really work outside the immediate surroundings of your peers, who are going to get the references); this morning she was back on shuso duty, doing the jundo, being the kokyo for the Full Moon Ceremony, opening the zendo, doing the posture adjustments with me during zazen. Last night Abbot Steve was playing the guitar and singing old Zen Center favourites, accompanied by Jamie, who had more of a starring role last Friday, but who also has past form in the realm of music; today he was giving a very moving lecture - okay, he sang at the end of that as well, but he was in robes this morning. We also had poetry, dance, story-telling, a martial arts demonstration, and juggling, all generously appauded as we got to reveal ourselves to each other.

One Thing At A Time

Waking up early this morning, I noticed how light it was getting before the wake-up bell began. I went up on the roof to take a picture, and remembered doing the same thing exactly a year ago. A different kind of day today though:

 The shuso twisted her ankle yesterday, and we decided last night to have someone else ring the wake-up bell. I had a note on my door this morning saying she didn't want to do the jundo even. I opened the zendo for her after breakfast, which I never mind as it gives me an extra few minutes to drink my coffee after oryoki - and no-one senior had showed up for breakfast, so I had to open the zendo then as well.

Arlene gave a very sweet talk to a full Buddha Hall, which I cannot link to as I quickly realised that there was nothing being recorded - I guessed that in dismantling the equipment to test for the funeral, I had managed to inadvertantly disconnect the record feed, and since she started the talk with a request for silence for the victims of the earthquake and tsunami, I couldn't start pulling the cabinet out and rummaging in the back for a stray cable. Laura was particularly upset that this prevented us from livestreaming as well, not least since Arlene had people expecting to hear her over the internet.

The newcomers' table was mostly filled with students from CIIS, some of whom had some very insistent questions that I did my best to confound, but as always I enjoyed meeting the people who came. 

Then another test of equipment, in the brief window of time before the EPP programme took over the Buddha Hall for the afternoon - and to my joy, with a minimum of fuss and almost no swearing, we managed to do a complete transmission chain from camera to laptop to livestream to laptop to projector and sound system. 

Now it is time to put another hat on - I go over to Green Gulch for an overnight with the Coming of Age group before coming back for the funeral rehearsal tomorrow morning. I sat in the bath, shaved my head and gave some thought on how to present the precepts to twelve year olds, and whether I bought enough chocolate to make smores on the beach tonight.

The Second Roll-down Of The Han

I still try to get to the zendo early, though I am not quite as punctual as I was last year, and I don't often get to bow with Lien as she comes back upstairs. Time was, I would generally be the first person in the zendo, which was a feeling I enjoyed; now there are usually a couple of people already sitting when I arrive. The first few minutes are quiet and dark - the doan is instructed to turn on the lights and light the altar before the han starts at five ten. Sometimes they don't make it in time, and I get up with a little sigh and do it myself. Otherwise I just sit at my seat by the door as people come into the zendo. At first it is just a trickle, but after the first roll-down, at five seventeen, the flow becomes more steady.
In my early days, I used to take the first roll-down as my cue to go to the zendo. The pattern for the han is fifteen minutes long, divided into three rounds of seven, five and three minutes repectively, so the first roll-down is about half way through. When I did my practice period on the doanryo at Tassajara, we were instructed to be in the zendo by the first roll-down even when we didn't have a job that day. The next practice period, when I was the head doan, seeing that Linda, the ino, was always in the zendo before the han started, I decided to support her by doing the same, and since then I have always liked to be early. It was harder when I was tenzo and had to wait to check in with the breakfast cook - and I would get very impatient if they didn't arrive by five past five as requested.
While the han is going on, the morning doshi is doing the round of various altars in the building, starting with the kaisando, and including the kitchen and the hallway altar, before they go to the Buddha Hall. The difference between City Center and Tassajara is that at Tassajara the first and second roll-downs were timed by the doan, who would signal the person hitting the han, and then there would be a longer period before the third roll-down while the doshi completed their round. All the students would be expected to be inside and seated by the second roll-down, after which the shuso enters the zendo to do their jundo, inspecting to make sure everything is in order. In other words, you always knew how much time you had before the second roll-down to get to your seat at the last minute, if you were that way inclined - and it is invariably the same people who come early and the same people who come late every day...
Here in the city this is a more high-risk strategy, in that the signal for the second roll-down is given by the chiden who hits the big bell in the Buddha Hall as the doshi does their prostrations, so the time between the first roll-down and the second is entirely dependent on the speed that the doshi moves around the building. People get used to how long the Abbot takes when he is here, but during this practice period, a number of different people are being doshi during the week - Michael, Vicki, Jordan - and this morning Blanche was doing it, and obviously caught more than a few people out - instead of the increasing surge of people coming into the zendo before the second roll-down, there was a big influx after the shuso and Blanche had finished their jundos and the three bells were rung to begin the period of zazen. I might need to do some finger-wagging at some of the habitually late people, especially as I invoked the Gyoji Kihan at the residents' meeting last Saturday. 

(If you are new to this,  and all these Japanese words made you glaze over, you might want to refer to the glossary)

Full Circle

I have many things on my mind this week - mostly Jerome's funeral on Saturday afternoon, but also the two Suzuki Roshi memorials, Bodhidharma's birthday ceremony next Monday, tweaking the doanryo to find places for the new practice period people, training new people for noon service doan jobs, figuring out the oryoki serving crews for the month, ordering new fabric and bowls for oryoki sets, finishing up the January tenken (attendance) reports, putting the latest talks online and trying to figure out the glitch that has stopped recent talks being fed to iTunes, and planning new audio equipment for the Buddha Hall and dining room.
This morning, though, was the shuso entering ceremony, and that is a little milestone for me, as it was the first ceremony I did as ino exactly a year ago. I can still remember feeling anxious about my role in it and reminding myself that I did not need to rush and that I could do my parts at my speed. Ironically, I haven't done the ceremony since then, so I felt pretty rusty when we did a rehearsal yesterday morning, and the nagging feeling in my head that I didn't have all the choreography memorised did not leave me. It was, though, a lovely ceremony this morning. Someone said they counted seventy people in the zendo, which would not surprise me; it was hard manoeuvring round everyone during the jundo.
What was most intimate was to see Blanche, who was doing the full morning schedule for the first time in several weeks, and Lien having their interchange, which, although basically scripted, allowed for the connection between the two of them to shine out as they spoke, and then bowed - on the final bow the teacher rises from their seat, and bows to the shuso as the shuso bows to them, which I always marvel at.
As Lien said, these are beautiful days in San Francisco.

Old Friends

Another full Saturday morning...Currently at City Center we are hosting the Lay Zen Teachers' Conference, about thirty senior laypeople from around the country, many of whom joined us for the morning program. If it's any consolation to our newcomers, these distinguished guests demonstrated that our zendo and Buddha Hall forms are not self-evident, doing many of the things I was recently listing.
This morning's service was a memorial for Rev. Dr Martin Luther King Jr, and Tova also spoke movingly during the lecture of her experience of being present at his famous 'I have a dream' speech in Washington. We had a very large crowd, some of it due to Liping bringing her students along to experience a morning at Zen Center. This was a bit of a shock for Mark, who had taken over, selflessly since it is his birthday today, offering zazen instruction as the scheduled person is sick. Mark is additionally standing in as acting tanto as Jordan is also sick; I jumped at the chance to relieve his burdens and to sit in with the Saturday Sangha at lunch today, where this group of experienced laypeople were treated to a presentation of the dhyanas, or states of concentration, from one of its members.
Tova also addressed the community's recent losses, spoke of Jerome and Darlene, and also spoke of Lou, whose health is declining. I have not mentioned this to date as I know that both he and Blanche are asking that there be no fuss. The Saturday Sangha ended its session by chanting the Enmei Jukku Kannon Gyo for Lou, and one of the residents asked me if we can do the same every day, to keep him in our hearts and minds.
I have been asked if I had nice photos of Lou, so I have dug out my old photo albums again, and found these; he was not much of a one for posing for the camera.
This first is from 2000:

  Then, from 2003, I think, at an ordination:

 I also came across these pictures from Tassajara, on the occasion of Sonja's shuso ceremony; first, Tova with Darlene:

Finally, from the same day, Lien, who is due to be the shuso for the upcoming practice period here, with David Z:

Lien and I arrived at Tassajara at about the same time - indeed Ren took a picture of me taking all my stuff down to my room, and Lien is in the background - and we worked on cabin crew together that first summer. I look forward to having her here in the building again.

Post Sesshin

I emailed one of our senior people here before sesshin and admitted I didn't know how it was to be ino during sesshin, and she replied, 'Ah, beginner's mind'. In the end I felt like I got to sit about half a sesshin; over the last three days I spent a lot of time in my office going over the details of the shuso ceremony that took place on the last day.
This was a mixed blessing; on one hand, I was having a lot of physical difficulties, and my body was not sorry to be off the cushion for some of the day, but on the other I felt like I lost some of my connection to the energy that was generated in the zendo in the course of the week. This was perhaps more vivid for me this time, since I sit facing into the room, and I felt much more aware and appreciative of the effort that everyone there was making; quite a few of the sitters were not so experienced at sesshin, which made the wholeheartedness of the sitting all the more impressive for me.
Liping's shuso ceremony was a tremendous way to cap the week - over the years I have come to see how the format of the dharma inquiry allows each shuso to be completely her- or himself, and Liping's kindness, gentleness and love shone through. She was also very funny on a number of occasions, and then deeply moving too, perhaps especially after she led the room in singing Moon River at Jerome's request.
Here she is after the ceremony, with from left to right: Benji Renee, Anja Keith, Abbot Paul, her teacher Teah, Senior Dharma Teacher Blanche, and Jisha Lucy.

Shuso!

The shuso is usually the first person I see every morning. I wake up early and do a little stretching, and then when I start to hear the wake-up bell downstairs, I know it is time to put on my robes. While I do this, Liping is running up and down the stairs and along the corridors, and when I have finished and leave my room, she has finished that ceremony, and is usually walking up the main staircase as I come down. She is very punctual with her timing, so most days it is exactly five o'clock by the clock on the main stairs when we cross paths and bow. Since this has been going on for a few weeks now, we both smile as we bow - it has become a small ritual between us.
Living in a community like this, there can be many such moments in the day; often there are no words involved, but there is still a sense of support and connection that can help bring a special value to the moment; I get to start each day with the warmth of our smiles lifting me up.
At the end of the month, after sesshin is over, Liping will no longer do the wake-up bell: the fukudo for that day will run it instead, and that ritual will be over, but there will undoubtedly be other things that will take its place. One of the joys of practice for me is getting to notice and appreciate moments such as these when they arise...without getting too attached to them.