Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Attitude

I feel like I should apologise for the somewhat tepid quality of the writing recently. I know it takes a certain kind of spaciousness to get the big words and long sentences flowing, or for me to come up with the occasional semblance of a joke, and that has been in short supply recently, apart from the sojourn at Tassajara. I know the proximate causes for this, and how they are intimately linked with deeper causes and conditions, and I am still mostly stuck there.
This week has been an object lesson in how attitude colours perception so much: on Monday morning, even coming after a decent night's sleep, I was feeling crabby from the outset - maybe not helped by a couple of people on the doanryo being sick, even though it wasn't hard to find replacements. I carried on in the same vein throughout the day, helping someone move furniture with such bad grace that I felt embarrassed to be thanked for it. It was only a bumper new year turn-out at Young Urban Zen, with a guest appearance from Sarah Weintraub whom I had invited to talk about her life and practice, that loosened me up some.
On Tuesday, even though I still had the same amount of stuff to take care of, I felt lighter with it, and thus things felt easier most of the day. At the same time, there are a number of conversations I need to have that I anticipate being difficult, and I don't want to go around being 'bad cop' all the time - I feel my heart harden rather than soften, and my spine stiffen. I am remembering the discussion in Branching Streams Flow In The Darkness, where someone, and I imagine it was the ino of the time, asks about practising strictly, and Suzuki Roshi replies, "Sometimes it may be unfortunate to see something. If you see it, you have to say something, so it may help you to practice without looking around... So it's best not to see anything!"

Anyway, if you are feeling in need of some divertissement, you could try matching this interesting collection of search words from yesterday with the post they took people to (without using Google, of course):

rakusu back
we had to shave my brother's head
altar in room
kechimyaku
barn owl pedals
big bell
hardcore zen
sierras from i 395

For a bonus point, this one appeared this morning: 'mount tam naked woman'. I think only one of those two has appeared on this blog....

12 comments:

Shonen said...

I suppose writing a blog of this nature is not unlike being Kokyo - you end up showing everyone exactly where you are at even if that place isn't exactly the easiest place to be.

Whatever ancient twisted karma you're dealing with, it's reassuring (at least for me) to be reminded that we're not alone in these types of struggles.

Take care and thanks for your continued openness.

Mike said...

Gee, Shundo. We all have our moments and your awareness of them is to be commended. When I first started this crazy (in a good way) practice, I thought that in order to be a good "Buddhist" I needed to be constantly serene and would never be surly. Boy, was I wrong. Attitude is everything. Good luck.

Shundo said...

Thank you for your support, both of you. I think two reasons I try not to whine too much on this blog are first that I don't like just to 'leak' stuff everywhere, and also because as soon as I start to articulate it, I wonder, what is it I am actually getting worked up about here? Is that it? Then it starts to look more like the proverbial hill of beans.
I do also feel a certain expectation as a priest not to be too reactive and to maintain a measure of equanimity. Over time it has seemed, however, that people can stomach occasional reminders that all is not always sweetness and light.

Shonen said...

To be honest, if you gave the impression that all was sweetness and light all of the time, then I'd REALLY be concerned!!

I commend the expectations you have of yourself as a priest (one of the many reasons I never took that step - I felt I'd always be letting the side down). I think so long as you maintain the middle way and don't indulge in it or push it away, then you're refreshingly human like the rest of us.

Now, if I could just take some of my own advice....

kelly said...

Am I the only one that's gonna play the game?

here are my guesses (or at least the only two that sparked a memory of a related post)

big bell -- http://theinosblog.blogspot.com/2011/11/rocking-bells.html

we had to shave my bothers head --
http://theinosblog.blogspot.com/2009/04/leave-home.html

The other ones I have no idea.

And hugs, Shundo. Its lovely to see you at ease with difficulty, hardness and hills of beans, part of what makes this blog real.

Shundo said...

You're the game woman Kelly, we know that. Actually, I'm sorry to say I think you are wrong with both, but you can check for yourself. I'm not even sure you're right about me being at ease with difficulty, but if that's the impression, then I won't complain.

Shundo said...

Actually I take that back - you were right about the big bell...now with this 'personal search' option, it is harder to see what other people get to see....

kelly said...

+ 1 point for me then!

at ease -- its like being a buddha. you are, even when you don't realize it.

Shundo said...

Well how about you then? Are you at ease where you are?

Ruth said...

Nothing ever strikes me as "tepid" about your writing, Shundo. I always find something significant and meaningful here.

Shundo said...

Well shucks. Your sister was in cracking form last night, apart from falling over, and was asking about you...

Ruth said...

I heard all about her Falling Down adventures on the phone yesterday :-)